ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
