The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
