I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
