I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
