We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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