the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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