I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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