I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
