I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
