We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
