did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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