I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
