No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
