I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My vagina is officially offended.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
