I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
