Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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