dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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