I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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