i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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