I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
