They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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