i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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