I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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