This dress was meant to end up on your floor
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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