Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
