Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
