...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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