So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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