He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
