Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
