my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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