If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
