I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Did you just see the Batmobile???
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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