It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
