Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Randomize