I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
