guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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