matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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