I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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