if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
