Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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