I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
