You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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