new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
