Whod you bang
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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