guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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