Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
