he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
