I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
