Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
