Sry I called you an 8
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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