I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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