When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
