Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
