Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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