Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
