i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
