I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
