You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
