One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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