Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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