Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
