someone get that fucking seahorse.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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