you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
