First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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