you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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