Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
