The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My feet surprised me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
