If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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